The $9 Water Bill

A friend of mine is a waitress at a restaurant. Just yesterday, she met a man who looked like he was in his 50’s or so who was from Philadelphia. He struck up a conversation with her and she learned that he has a house down here in good old Robeson County. So far so good, a lot of people have second homes here in this county. Why? I don’t know but hey it’s their choice.

Well, as the conversation went on this gentleman told her that he routinely makes trips down to Robeson County, once a month to be exact. The reason he said he makes this trip so often was to make a $9 water bill every month! OK, time for an evaluation.

First of all, if you know that every month you’re going to have a water bill in another state, why not mail it, call and use your credit card or something!? Seems to me that would be the logical thing to do. This guy drove about 7-8 hours once a month to pay a $9 water bill!! Call me crazy but I would have either had the water turned off, or just let it go past due and let them turn it off like that. That way, when I would have come back to the house, I would just pay the connect fee, which is probably cheaper than gas back and forth a month, and called it a day!

But in the guy’s defense, he did ask the people at the water place if he could pre-pay this last trip and what a shock, THEY SAID YES!!! How smart do you think he felt about that!?

So this goes out to they guy that drove almost 500 miles one way a month to pay a water bill that was only $9. You my friend do not know the power of a question. All you had to do was ASK! So Mr. I’ll Drive 7 Hours Once A Month To Pay A $9 Water Bill, you are my close encounter with stupidity!

The Gay Marine UPDATE!!!

Remember our story of the gay Marine? Wait till you hear this! Just the other night, Brandon (the gay Marine) and his now EX-girlfriend (Jenn) were uh, messing around I guess would be the best way to put it. Things start going in a certain direction and that direction would be down. Well, she’s doing what she’s doing and he stops her and pulls her head up. He looks at her as serious as can be and says, “That’s not how you give a blowjob. This is how you do it!” He then takes her hand, puts her finger in his mouth and begins to “show” her how to give a blowjob. Let’s break this down a bit shall we?

How many straight guys know how to give a blowjob? NOT ME!!! A straight man only knows when it feels REALLY good. We don’t know exactly what is going on to make it so good, we just know it feels damn good! So please tell me how this one dude who claims he’s straight know how to give a blowjob!? Things that make you say “hmmm?” And I don’t mean the “hmmm” when it feels good if you get what I’m saying.

So Brandon the gay Marine, you win a couple awards today. One, you are the first on my blog to appear two times. Last but not least, you are by far the GAYEST encounter with stupidity I’ve had thus far!

Top Down and the Windows.......Up?!?

Driving down the interstate today I saw something that I just had to write about. I’ve seen it many times this summer but I kept forgetting to write about it, until today. I was going about 80 when I saw something that made me slow down and laugh at these idiots. It was a silver convertible Mercedes. The people in it had the top down, so far so good. The thing that made these people look like idiots was the fact they had their windows up. Let’s examine this with some common sense.

First of all, if you ride around in a convertible with the top down, it’s normally because you want to take in the sun and the wind. So from where I stand, having the windows up won’t keep the sun off you or the wind out of your hair.

Next, let’s say it’s about 85 degrees outside and you wanted to ride around in your convertible with the top down. Seeing that it’s warm you turn on the AC and roll up the windows. Just to let you know, IT’S NOT GONNA HELP ANYTHING!! You still have this big ass hole above your head. I’m not a smart man but I don’t think you’ll be able to feel any of the AC much less trap the cool air inside the car with the top down and windows up!

Ok now getting back to the wind in the hair thing. Let’s say you’re a woman and you just left the beauty salon with a stunning new hair-do. Yeah I can see why you would want to keep the windows up but why the top down!? Do you actually think that that big ass hole over your head will keep the wind from touching your new do?

To sum all this up, people who ride around with the top down and windows up are obviously missing something upstairs. Having the top down defeats the purpose of having the windows up! DUH! Unless someone can tell me a damn good reason of why people insists on doing that stupid shit, they are my close encounter with stupidity for today!

*NOTE: I don’t think those old people liked it when I pulled up beside them and laughed as hard as I could. They looked at me and flipped me off with their old wrinkly fingers!? It was like they were saying “Fuck you All Mighty Observer of Stupidity.” If they only knew what was being said about them now. HAHAHAHA!!!!! *Evil grin*

Fire vs Water?

A few days ago, I was playing Halo 2 on Xbox Live with 2 friends of mine. We were on a pretty good winning streak in Team Snipers. (For everyone who doesn’t know, Team Snipers is a game type in which everyone has sniper rifles. The object of the game is to be the first team to get 50 kills.) We entered this one game where we were the Blue team and of course the other team was the Red team. The game went pretty good for us and we beat them pretty badly. The final score was 50-39. (Click here to see the stats for the game) Well, in the Post Game Lobby, everyone started trash talking. It was like divine intervention when everyone in the lobby got quiet to hear the next comment from Lord Cracker (that’s the guys Gamer Tag for Xbox Live). The following is his exact statement:

“You’re blue and we’re red. You’re water and we’re fire, so who would win in a real fight between fire and water!?”

There was like 3 seconds of silence before everyone said “WATER YOU IDIOT!!!” They guy’s teammates told him that the more he talked the stupider he made himself look. So if anyone who reads this has an Xbox Live account, send a friend request to him and say these exact words to him “On September 26, 2005 you were featured Oxmancometh’s blog because you were his close encounter of the stupid kind, BIATCH!!”

Not Knowing is the worse kind of Stupidity

For this one, I don't even have to go into many details. I got into a conversation with a person on yahoo messenger who's status was something like "All men are born with the same "stupid" gene." So naturally I had to talk to her. I changed her name to Her so she can have peace with her moment.....

Her: i knew ud say somethin
Cliff: ur're sterotyping
Her: how
Cliff: u said ALL men
Her: my aunt said the same thang bout her husband
Cliff: ur judging all men
Her: that he acts stupid
Cliff: and?
Her: its true
Cliff: just because he's stupid don't mean everyone else is stupid
Her: i bet i could get 9 out of 10 women to say that bout their men
Her: or admit that bout their man
Her: THEY HAVE THEIR STUPID MOMENTS
Cliff: well if it's their man.........and he's stupid....but yet they stay with them........they're just as stupid if not more
Her: we all have our moments, but men seem to have more stupid moments than us women
Cliff: if u sleep better at night thinkin that.....i won't argue with u
Her: good
Cliff: i'd hate to crush everything u believe in

Notice how when I said that the woman was just as stupid if not more than the guy if she stays with him she never acknowledged it. Wonder why? Things that make you say "hmmm?" I think I made a valid point. If she only knew how much it sounded like she had this "stupid gene" she was talking about I think she would have just been quiet. So "Her" you are yet another close encounter with stupidity I've had today! CONGRATS!!!!!

A Breeding Pool of Stupidity

What is really going on at Domino's? It's bad enough when I told a manager "I quit" he didn't know what I was talking about. But what happened today topped that!

Today I had the urge to eat some Hot Wings. Me being the lazy person I am, I called Domino's for delivery. The person who answered the phone (a new manager there) takes my order. He got that right which was a real accomplishment I would later learn. I told him that I was paying for my order with my Visa Checkcard. I tell him the number and the expiration date. He then asks for the card holder's name. I say "Clifton C. Oxendine." So then he asks me "Is that spelled C-L-I-F-F-O-R-D?" I paused for a seconds to make sure I heard him right. And I tell him "Uh, no that's Clifford, my name is Clifton." Then he asks me how to spell it! TRYING not to be a smartass I tell him "Drop the FORD and put a TON in its place." His response was "So there's no F in it?" Not wanting to deal with his complete stupidity I spelled it out to him like he was in first grade. I was amazed he even got it then! It's funny, can't spell Clifton but he can spell Oxendine!

I'm glad I quit when I did because God only knows if the stupidity would have rubbed off! If I was that stupid I'd probly hire someone to shoot me to take me out of my misery! So Mr. New Manager at Domino's you're my close encounter with stupidity but don't feel bad cause in about 5 min. I'm gonna post another one so you're not alone!

Thank You Baby Bush!

What a day today has been. Was it not bad enough gas was above $2 a gallon? Today it topped out at $3.79 in some places! Why? All because Baby Bush thought it would be a great idea to: (1) go to Iraq to fight a personal battle which in turn caused the oil industry to become unstable: (2) take more oil out of our market to fill up the Strategic Petroleum Reserve and (3) in a time when we NEED to use that reserve, he only releases a measley 6 million barrels.

I'll never forget that day. The day when I knew we were going to war. I was sitting in the Dining Facility at Ft. Campbell, KY and CNN was on the TV. Baby Bush was talking about taking action against Iraq because of their "weapons of mass destruction" when he said, "How can I not want to kill a man who tried to kill my father?" At that moment, I knew we were going to war for all the wrong reasons. Once the war started, there was a steady increase in gas prices all because the war caused an unstable industry. So around this time we were paying $1.75 because Baby Bush wanted to impress Daddy Bush. THANKS!!!

I'm not sure exactly when our "great" leader had this next "great" idea. He decided that we were not filling up the Oil Reserves fast enough so what does he do? He takes oil out of an already tight market to store in the reserve. Oh I'm SO sorry that 570 million barrels was too low for ya and the 1 million barrels we put in there a day wasn't filling it fast enough for ya Baby Bush. Thanks to you, we were then paying over $2 a gallon. THANKS!!!!

Well now a hurricane has hit the Gulf, taking out refineries we had down there. So now we're loosing alot of oil a day and what does Baby Bush do? HE OPENS UP THE RESERVES!!! But here's the catch, out of the now 700 million barrels we have just sitting there doing nothing, he releases 6 million barrels. What the fuck? What is that suppose to do? Well, I can tell you what it's NOT doing and that's helping the gas prices. NOW we're paying $3.79 a gallon. THANKS!!!!

So Baby Bush, thank you 3 times over because had it not been for these idiotic decisions of yours, I would have nothing to write about to day. Your great leadership is greatly appreciated by myself and comics across America. Without you, I would not have a close encounter of the stupid kind to tell the people who are going broke paying for gas while you're getting rich off your oil company! THANKS FUCKER!!

The Gay Marine

It's been a few days since I've had a close encounter but believe me it was well worth the wait. Our story starts with a Marine who we will call Brandon. Brandon, like many other service members, was deployed to Iraq for and extended period of time (around 7 months). Well Brandon also has a girlfriend who for the sake of argument we will call Jenn. When it was almost time for Brandon to come home, he called Jenn to tell her what his plans were. She asked him one simple question, "Are you ready to come home to see me?" Simple question for the average male. But to the average GAY MARINE, it's VERY complicated. So his reply was "Uh, I dunno."

Let's talk about our story so far. Any straight man who's been deployed for an extened amount of time will NORMALLY be ready to come home and see his woman! Being surrounded by a bunch of guys for a while, you kinda begin to miss female companionship in EVERY way=). This is the FIRST reason why I say this Marine is gay. Let's continue on...

Brandon comes home and his girlfriend is trying to spend time with him. Well, one night Brandon calls Jenn and he wants her to come up to the base and spend time with the other Marine wives while he and the other macho Marines go FLOUNDER GIGGING! For anyone who don't know what gigging consists of, I'll explain it. A gig is a stick with a prong at the end, kinda like a fork. Normally used for FROG gigging. Flounder gigging is basically the same, you go out and try to stick flounders with this gig. Time for another evaluation.....

Why in the world would someone who's been away from his woman for a while, call her and tell her to spend time with the wives of his friends (whom she don't really like) while he goes out on a boat with the same people he saw everyday for like 7 months?!? Let's see, spend time with someone I saw everyday for 7 months OR spend time with my WOMAN! WOW for a STRAIGHT man the choice is simple. Reason #2. Keep reading it gets better.

About a week later another bit of information about Brandon and Jenn's relationship comes out. It appears that this macho Marine does not want to shower with his woman!! According to my source, he calls his shower time "private time." What the fuck!?! A guy who's been showering with a bunch of dudes for a while now, doesn't want a naked woman in the shower with him! What in the world is he doing in the shower for it to be "private time" and keep his girlfriend away??? I've drawn my own conclusions about what he does, and none of them is anything a staight male in America would do. So this would be Reason #3 why I think this macho Marine is flaming like a gasoline soaked tennis ball flying through hell.

No other time has the joke for the Marines been so true than now. MARINE stands for Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential. Well in this case, another phrase fits, FUCKING GAY! So to all the Marines out there who would rather be with their MALE friends after spending months on end with them in a desert country rather than spending time with a woman, YOU are my close encounter with stupidity.

What's Really Going On!?

A few weeks ago, I got a letter in the mail from my bank. They sent me a new check card and explained that the Visa account numbers had been jeopardized by some hackers and that they issuing out new cards and canceling the old ones. I thought this was pretty cool, at least they're looking out for the customers. The letter stated that the old cards would be automatically canceled on Aug. 23 and that the new cards had to be activated by calling the toll-free number provided. Since my old card was gonna be canceled the tomorrow, I decided it was time to activate the new card. I called the number and had it activated. NOTHING was said about my old card and the lady told me that my new card would be ready for use at 9 AM tomorrow morning. No big deal I thought to myself, I still have my old one incase I need access to money between tomorrow morning and now.

Needless to say, I needed money for a late night meal at McDonald's. I went to the ATM machine with my old card in hand ready to get money to eat with. The ATM basically laughed at me when it said that I needed to contact my financial institution. Words cannot describe the PISStility that ran through my body! Why in the world would they cancel my old card when my new one won't work until 9 AM tomorrow!? Can someone please tell my why in the world would a bank leave a customer with no access to their money!? I've already ran this by a few people and they can't eplain it either. So to that bank of mine, you are my SECOND close encounter of the stupid kind today! Congratulations!!

I Quit!

Today, I quit my job. I called up the place that I was working and asked to speak to the manager. The manager that I talked to seemed like he had some common sense whenever I worked with him. I was talking to him and told him "I'm gonna quit." His response to the news was a simple "Quit what?" I paused for a second thinking that it would eventually sink in. After about 3-5 seconds I slowly said "I'm quitting work." It was like I had to break down "I quit" to someone so they could understand it! I was shocked! I mean, what do you do in a situation like that. How do you break down 2 simple words to someone who is suppose to have at LEAST a high school education? Well in this case, it really doesn't matter how much education he has because today he was my close encounter of the stupid kind!

Leave a Message Please!

Recently I've had problems with people calling my cell phone or my home phone and not leaving a message on the answering machine or in the voice mail. That's what I have them for! When I can't get to the phone, I wanna know why you called! If it's important, I WILL CALL BACK! If you call just to say hi, leave a message that says hi!

The thing that really gets me is when people call and listen to the phone fing 4-6 times, listen to the whole asnwering maching/voicemail message and then after they hear the beep.....they hang up! So then I have to go through and delete all those damn hang-ups! Why listen to all that if you know you're just going to hang up after the beep!? It makes absolutely no sense to me. That is why everytime one of those idiots call me and I have to go through and delete like 5 hangup voicemails, I wanna go over to their house and beat them in the face with a blunt object! So to everyone who feels like they're on the spot when they read this, it's people like you that give the rest of us close encounters of the stupid kind!

I Think the Horse is Smarter

A friend of mine is dating this guy who is now the newest citizen of Stupidville! For some reasons unknown to anyone with a brain, this guy all of a sudden needed a horse or else he would die! Needless to say, he found someone willing to give him a hourse who lived 10 minutes away.

So far so good right? WRONG! He had no way of transporting the horse back home. He waited until the last minute to think about a horse trailer! So instead of leaving the horse there and finding a trailer to haul the horse in, he needed the damn thing so bad that he had someone hold the lead rope on the back of his truck while he drove VERY SLOW back to his house. At no time did he break 4 mph. It took him 2 1/2 hours on a drive that would have normally took 10 minutes!

So the common sense thing to do would have been to plan all this out BEFORE doing anything. Why would anyone get something and have no REASONABLE way to transport it!?!? Maybe I'm the stupid one and everyone else is sane. I dunno. I personally think that waiting to get a trailer to haul the horse in would have been a great idea! Someone else thought differently. I've had an encounter......an encounter of the stupid kind!

The Farmer John Driver

Yesterday on my way to school, I got behind a old model Ford pickup. I could tell that the driver was an older man, maybe in his 50's or 60's. Around here, you are able to pick out a person who has farmed most if not all of his life and I could tell this was one of those people. As we drove down the road, I started getting irritated because he was going 40mph in a 55 mph zone! Not only that but I could not pass because of the constant traffic coming the opposite direction. The driver of the pick up was constantly slowing down and speeding up and I noticed that he would slow down when he came to a field with some type of crop growing in it. He would slow down and look out at the crops in the fields. I thought to myself that maybe he was just riding around checking on his fields, no big deal.

This morning I started on my way to school traveling down the same road. Again I got behind that same Ford pickup and again he was going 45 mph in a 55 mph zone. He was doing the exact same thing, looking at the crops. Now I know I'm no farmer but how much can change with crops overnight!? It's not like they're gonna hit some magical growth spurt and be 3 feet taller the next day!? What is the purpose of Farmer John slowing my progress to school everyday just to look at the same crap he saw the day before?

To all the Farmer John drivers, SPEED UP because the crops have not changed since you saw them a few hours earlier! Today, Farmer John drivers are my close encounter with stupidity! For God's sake, SPEED UP! Look at your crops when you get ready to harvest them! Don't delay my arrivial to school!

Can Someone Please Help Me Understand?!?!

Just a moment ago, I checked the headlines on Yahoo! News. One partiular headline caught my eye. The aritcle, "Pardon Set for Black Woman Executed in '45". This article made absoulutely no sense to me. Why issue a pardon to someone who has already been executed? Yes, Lena Baker may have been innoncent but she has already been executed! We cannot bring her back no matter what we do! If all that needed to be done to make the family feel better was give them a proclimation, then give it to them! Why spend the taxpayers' money on the manpower to dig up all this information and issue a pardon but NOT finding the person in question innocent!?

Don't get me wrong, back in '45 it was all about race, Lena Baker was black and she was convicted by an all white jury so I can see an injustice. Does this mean that Georgia will be spending time and resources looking at other injustices that took place in the past? If so, will it only be injustices in which black were wronged?

I'm not tying to downplay this situation. My points are if you're gonna pardon someone whom you think is innocent then FIND THEM INNONCENT WITH THE PARDON, and if you're gonna go back and try to right the injustices of the past, then do it for ALL races not just one particular race. I am not a racist peson. I'm far from it! I have more black friends than I do white friends and I'm part Native American and have many Native American friends. Why don't the government go back and right all the Native Americans that's been wronged out of land!?

Please America, let's do something that makes sense for a change. Pardoning someone who has already been executed is kinda pointless especially if you don't find them innocent. Today, Georgia Board of Pardons is my close encounter with stupidity!

Welcome!

Well, I was inspired to start a blog about my encounters with stupid people for a while now but I've just now started doing the work. As the time goes on, I will have MANY stories about stupid people to share. Feel free to comment! Thanks!