My Opinion or am I a Bad Guy? You Decide!

Ok it’s been a long time since I’ve updated. For everyone that has check in periodically, I apologize. I’ve been caught up in this little thing called life. Yes, I know you’re all saying, “He finally got a life!?” It’s true! If I can get a life, I’m sure anyone can.

Seriously, I’ve went through a lot of changes recently. I graduated with an associate’s degree in May and since then I’ve been looking for work! I finally landed a job in the library at the same school from which I graduated. It’s funny how things work out. Who would have thought I would work in a library!!! Anyways, I’m trying to get everything settled down and in a routine. It’s slowly working out for me. I can really say I’m in a good place right now both personally and professionally! Hopefully, I’ll be able to update more often now.

I’ve actually had a lot of things I wanted to blog about: some things that’s been eating at me and some things that people comment to me or email me about. Since it’s almost 1 in the morning, I’ll just talk about one thing that has me fired up right now. This could go on all night so here goes…

Some of you may already know that I have a couple of videos on YouTube.com. They’re called “Baby Bush: Pretending to be in Charge” and “Bush Wars: Episode 1.” Yes, I know that by putting those out there I opened myself to comments and ridicule. I know that and I understand it. But what the idiots do not understand is I’m not attacking Republicans as a whole! Hell, I’m not even attacking Republicans! I’m attacking the big idiot, the one who calls himself President of the United States.

It’s amazing how people cannot grasp that concept. I’ve never been called a “leftist” or “liberal” so many times in my life. Just to set the record straight, I agree with the Democrats on some issues and I agree with the Republicans on some issues. Everyone who has left a comment or sent me a message calling me a Democrat, or any other word used to describe Democrats, has accused me of trying to stab my country in the back. Ok, I’m the bad guy. Let’s see what I did to become a bad guy, shall we?

-Ok, I sent over 100,000 troops to a third world country because the leader of that country said he wanted my father dead. Oh wait, that wasn’t me that was Bush.

-Alright, alright. In order for me to get Congress to approve sending troops to this third world country, I lied and said this country had Weapons of Mass Destruction. Then later found out there were none to be found. Um, no! Again, it wasn't me.

-Let’s see. Oh yeah, I was in so much of a hurry to conquer this country that I sent my troops over there lack luster equipment to protect themselves. Had I given them better equipment, there may be fewer deaths in combat. Oh crap, that’s not on me either.

-There was this one time, when my troops took Baghdad that I said we were doing this for the people of that country. I said they wanted us there because they were being treated unfairly. Then a few weeks later, the same people whom I said wanted us there began attacking my troops. Damnit, still not on me.

-Oh yeah, what about when I started reaching in space for reasons to make my dumb ass idea to invade this country look good? Like when I said that the country was “a haven for terrorist?” Because we all know that every terrorist in the world just has to come from this country (yeah right). Nope, I’m not that stupid.

-This is my personal favorite. What about the time when I started spending billions of dollars into rebuilding this country? Billions that our country didn’t even have. Even though when I came into office the budget was balanced and I just threw all that crap away because who really wants their checkbook balanced when living paycheck to paycheck is much more exciting. Oh wait, that was Bush!

Wow! I did absolutely nothing to become this bad guy who is out to destroy America. Nope, not me! Bush is doing it himself. Oh yeah, correct me if I’m wrong, but did I blame Republicans for any of that? No? Ok, I thought so.

So to all you people who sit at home and have done nothing but fill in the circle beside Republican at every election, you are my close encounter of the stupid kind because it’s people like you who do not see that I’m just voicing my opinion (a right that I fought for 4 years in the Army to protect) and not a political stand. It’s people like you that’s screwed up America. The extreme right and the extreme left have torn this country apart and it will take years if not decades to fix. The extremes on both sides only want to completely disagree with each other because that’s what they think is right. Whatever happened to serving the American people? Whatever happened to making a RIGHT decision no matter what side it came from? Whatever happened to using common sense and not stupidity when making decisions pertaining to the American people?

One Year Later....Still Kickin'

Well it's been a year since i started the blog. Yeah, sometimes I don't update for a month or so but that's ok. Well for the one year celebration, I started the podcast. So take a listen, leave comments and tell your friends. Here's the link:

http://closeencountersofthestupidkind.podomatic.com/enclosure/2006-08-14T21_51_00-07_00.mp3

I hope that works right.

Here's the podcast site if you wanna take a look at it. I need to work on it so don't judge quite yet!

http://closeencountersofthestupidkind.podomatic.com/


PS- The assholes decided to cut out my intro music!!!!

I-mail a.k.a Idiot Mail

So today I come home from work, sit down at the ol’ computer and see I have 34 emails. I become overwhelmed with a feeling of belonging in the world! I got 34 emails!!! I felt like I was DA MAN!

It seemed like it took FOREVER for Yahoo to log me in! The urgency to see who emailed me was almost more than I could stand! “HURRY UP!” I yelled at the computer as it seemed to take hours to load the page with my inbox listing. FINALLY, my inbox was presented to me and I just could not believe what I saw.

Out of 34 emails, one was from my blog saying Aparna left a comment (Thanks Aparna). Another one was a birthday reminder for someone. The other 32 made me want to go to the senders’ home, cover them with a million paper cuts and then douse them with rubbing alcohol! I don’t know why someone would send such crap through email! It made absolutely no sense!

I’m willing to read a good life lesson story as much as anyone. That’s what the first email was about. The story was great! It went on and on about how God talked to this man and he helped a poor family feed their infant baby! Great story! Then I got to the end of it and it said:

“God loves you! He sent is only son to die for us on the cross. If you do not send this email to 30 people in 5 minutes, you will not get into Heaven. You will be damned in eternity!”

Well, I know I’m not the most religious person in the world nor do I claim to be. But, the last time I read the Bible, I do not recall anything about God monitoring emails. I do not remember the 10 Commandments saying “Thou must sendeth emails in My name or suffer for all of eternity.” Nope, don’t recall that at all. Even in the book of Revelations there’s nothing in there that says “And those who refused to forwardeth Our Father’s emails were sent into Hell for eternity.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not in there.

So for everyone who continues to forward that crap, take a step back and ask yourself one question “Does God really have the internet in Heaven?” My guess would be no. If he does, that would be the biggest Wi-Fi hotspot ever!! And besides, how would you go about finding God’s REAL email address if he had one?! It’s hard to get movie star’s real email addresses and they’re mere mortals!!

I know so far in this post I sound like an atheist or something but I’m not. I believe in God and I believe everything in the Bible! I do believe that God knows everything about everything. I just find it hard to believe God would send someone to hell for not sending an email to X number of people in X amount of time. I can’t digest that!

Another type of email that really makes no sense at all are the ones that say “If you do not send this to everyone you know, you will never have sex again! You will have to masturbate to get any sexual pleasure and even that won’t be good! You will never have a girlfriend or boyfriend and you will die miserable and lonely.”

I KNOW for sure that’s not true! I’ve always gotten emails like that and just deleted them. I’ve had relationships and I’ve had sex (not always in that particular order). Even when I masturbate it’s good! I know how I like it and deleting an email won’t make me forget how to do it! So if you believe that type of crap you are obviously not confident in your abilities to please yourself or others!

So this post is dedicated to everyone who believes that God is sending out emails and if you do not forward them you will burn in hell. This goes out to everyone who is so afraid of not having sex or a relationship because they deleted an email. This is for everyone who really believes Bill Gates is gonna give everyone who forwards a certain email $10 for everyone they send it to! Everyone who thinks that a hospital will get 10 cents for every person an email is sent to, to help pay for the surgery that will give a baby a chance at life! You’re ignorant and stupid if you believe that crap and if you constantly send your idiot mail (i-mail for short)! You should be poked with a sharp pointed stick as you cower in a dark corner! One more thing you should be, my close encounter of the stupid kind! OH! WAIT! You are!

Leaving a Message

I apologize for not posting anything sooner. I've been busy with this thing they call life. I'm gonna try to update more often. I know I've probably said that before, and like you, I don't believe it until I see it!

Before I get to my story, I would like to tell you about a couple of fellow bloggers. Chris Doucette is a stand-up comic in the D.C. area. He blogs his weird experiences and his shows. Oh, and if you're an aspiring comic like myself, he'll give you a few pointers! Check out his blog and the other blogs he has listed. Check out a video clip from one of his shows at YouTube.com.
Another blog you should check out is by Aparna. She is also a comic from the D.C. area. Her blog is very interesting and funny. I wish I knew where she gets all those pictures! I guess if I ever need a picture of ANYTHING, I should just let her know! But check out their blogs. There's a link here on my blog now so none of you have no excuse! Shhh! Don't tell them I sent you though, they might change their web address or something!

Anyways, back to business...

I've posted before about leaving a message. I just can not stand it when someone calls, listen to the whole greeting, and then hangs up after the beep. But this definitely tops that.

Monday I came home from work and there were a few messages on the machine. I did the obvious thing and hit play. The first message, of course, was a hang up. Then the second message started. As soon as the person started "speaking" I stopped in my tracks as the question of "what the fuck?" went through my head. I just could not believe it, so I played it again hoping I didn't hear what I thought I did. Needless to say, the second time through confirmed my thoughts. The following is a transcript of what was said in the message:

"hmsblahceucslajiopc the dfsjiwcmaaklw and dlkjwpoibnnaalkw at dlkjafowiernd and lkjfiwonewckjewkmlkjiwofhhce 347"

WHAT THE FUCK!?! It's one thing to NOT leave a message but if you're gonna leave a message like that, I'd rather you not leave a message at all! I got my mom to listen to it, she couldn't even make out any more words than I did. It sounded like a woman (I think) and she had an accent of some kind (I think). Hell, for all I know it could have been the president of some 3rd world country asking me to save them from years of suffering!! I'll never know! All I know is I heard "the" "and" "and" and the numbers "347". Maybe it was some kind of coded language that only idiots understand! I have no idea. What I do know is Mrs. I'm Gonna Call Ox And Not Speak One Word Of Fucking English is my close encounter of the stupid kind! NEXT TIME SPEAK ENGLISH AND NOT IDIOT!

Whoops! Did I Say That!?

First of all I would like to take this opportunity to address Anonymous one more time. You're a sorry piece of shit that got called out and now you're not man/woman enough to defend yourself. You're probably some Emo Kid that sits behind the computer all day listening to Manson while plotting your own death. Try this plan, it's real simple. Get the fuck up out of your chair, go to the stereo, take the Manson CD out, break it, and then slice your wrists with the broken pieces! Thank you and good night! On to the new post...

I think I’ve prolonged this posting long enough. Everyone who knows me personally already knows this story. And everyone who knows me has told me I needed to put this on my blog. Why not? If I can’t laugh at myself, then I shouldn’t be able to laugh or point out everyone else’s stupidity.

In May of this year, my uncle got married in Delaware. I was a groomsman in the ceremony. Of course, during our visit to Delaware for the wedding we meet a lot of his future bride’s family. I am not good with names or sorting out who’s who when I’m meeting a crowd of people. Usually I just go for the titles at first (brother, sister, mother, father), then eventually I’ll learn names.

The night before the wedding of course, is the rehearsal dinner. It was then my uncle wanted to show everyone who wanted to see, the new lighting kit he put on his bike. He turned on the lights and of course an array of complements followed. After the hype died down about the lights, Erin’s brother (Erin is my uncle’s wife) asked Jerry (my uncle) if he would take him on a ride. Apparently, he had never ridden on a street bike before. Of course, my uncle agreed to take him around the block.

I do not know the exact name of the bike but it’s not a Harley Davidson bike. It’s what you call a rice burner or crotch rocket. And if you know anything about those bikes, if you’re the passenger on one, you don’t just sit straight up and hold onto the seat. That’s a sure way to get thrown off!

Well, Erin’s brother gets on the back and sits straight up and says he’s ready to go. Seeing this I felt like I should warn him that he would have to hang on to Jerry so he wouldn’t fall off and get hurt. So I said, “Hey man, you might want to put your arms around Jerry and hang on. You’ll fall off if you don’t. But don’t worry; we won’t call you gay or anything like that behind your back.”

Everyone got quiet and Erin’s brother looked back at me. Nothing was said as he and Jerry rode off into the night. Standing beside me was Erin’s brother-in-law. He looked at me and said, “Dude, you know he’s gay right!?”

I did not know that he was gay. I had been there 2 days and no one said anything to me about him being gay. I knew he acted different but hell, I didn’t know how people in Delaware acted. AND, he showed up there with a girl! SO, I just assumed he was with her. WHOOPS!!

Needless to say, I got the hell out of dodge before he got back. While they were pulling into the drive way, I was pulling out! I felt so stupid and embarrassed right then. EVERYONE knew except me! It was like I was set up for failure! If it upset him, he didn’t show it the next day at the ceremony and reception. So I guess it worked out ok. But yes, I am my own close encounter of the stupid kind! And boy did I ever feel stupid!

ANONYMOUS READ THIS!!!

Ok, for everyone who didn’t know, I allow comments on this blog. So far, 99.999999999% of the comments have been good. There has just been one bad comment made on this blog about what I am doing. The bad comment came on my last post and if you’re too lazy to go check it out, I have it readily available for your reading pleasure.

Anonymous said...
Why do you consist on trying to make people look and feel stupid or talk about them behind their back. To me, it seems as if your a low life person and don't have anything else to do other jacking off. Your the FUCKING IDIOT.

I would like to take this opportunity to address this issue.


Dear Anonymous,

First of all, I would like to thank you for the comment. Your comment shows me that you really want to voice your opinion. I knew before starting this blog that I would encounter people who did not share the same views on things as I do. That’s fine. I served 4 years in the Army to ensure that I as well as anyone else in America could say whatever they wanted to say about anything they want to say it about.

I can see your comment was heartfelt. From what I read, you have the anger of a 14 year old outcast bottled up in the body of a 30 year old. That’s fine. The problem I DO have with the comment is how idiotic it is. Not only do you not use proper English, you do not use something called common sense.

Let’s start with the first sentence. It reads: “Why do you consist on trying to make people look and feel stupid or talk about them behind their back.”

You started the sentence very well. The first 3 words had me going. Then you threw in “consist” and fucked the whole thing up. Even though “consist” is a word, you did not use it in the right context. The word “consist” means made up of or composed of. I think the word you really wanted to use is “insist” which means to be firm in a demand or course. It’s ok Anonymous. I understand. We all make mistakes. But if you’re keeping score, it is 1-0 my favor.

Let’s stay with the same sentence Anonymous. I am not TRYING to make people look or feel stupid. I think they are doing a good job of it themselves. All I am doing is making it known to all my friends and people like you. No, I’m not sorry if I struck a nerve. Like my friend Soul Shadow said, you must have been the guy in the car or you’re guilty of something else you’ve seen on my blog. It’s ok. I’m not trying to judge you. But an update of the score looks like this: Ox-2 Anonymous-0

Another point I would like to bring to your attention Anonymous, I THINK you asked a question but I do not see a question mark. What’s up with that? Are question marks illegal in the land of the stupid or were you just too lazy to press and hold the left shift key and then press the “/” button? Ox-3 Anonymous-0

Ok let’s move on to sentence number 2.

Yet again you started out very strong. You even included a comma to add a dramatic pause. Very nice work thus far! What we must address is the fact that you do not know the difference between “your” and “you’re.” It’s ok, I will attempt to educate the stupid. When the word “your” is used, it shows possession of the noun. For example, YOUR COMMENT WAS FUCKING STUPID. Notice how the noun “comment” belongs to you and thus becomes YOUR COMMENT. You use the word “you’re” in the place of “you are.” That is what we call a contraction. All we do is drop the “a” from “are” and slide it next to “you” then throw in an apostrophe to make the word “you’re.” So, instead of saying “YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT AND SHOULD TAKE A LONG WALK ON A SHORT PIER.,” we can say “YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT AND SHOULD TAKE A LONG WALK ON A SHORT PIER.” Can you see a difference? Ox-4 Anonymous-0

Don’t worry, I’m almost finished. Same sentence still. The part where you said I do nothing but jack off. I’m not an English professor by any means but I think you forgot a word there. Let’s take a look: “To me, it seems as if your a low life person and don't have anything else to do other jacking off.” Yeah, I’m sure of it. You did not include the word “than.” It should have read something like this: “ANONYMOUS, YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT AND YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO OPEN YOUSELF UP FOR RIDICULE AND DISGRACE.” I like the sound of that one! Ox-5 Anonymous-0

Again on the last sentence, you confused “your” and “you’re.” I won’t allow myself to take a point on that one again. But, I will give you credit; you use caps to emphasize a point! Ox-5 Anonymous-1

So Anonymous, not only do you not know proper English but you also lack common sense. I never had to make anyone look stupid. People do it to themselves. All I do is make people like yourself be known to everyone I know. If it makes you feel bad, then don’t be stupid. It’s that simple.

One more thing, I think you are a little bitch that tried to sound intelligent by that dumb fucking comment. If you want acceptance in the world, solve world hunger or something. Don’t come on my blog trying to make me look like an idiot when it’s obvious you’re the idiot. It’s clear to see that you’re too much of a pussy to even give a name on or in your comment. But that’s ok; I understand that cowards hide in the dark. So continue to comment on my blog under Anonymous, that’s what it’s there for, punk ass bitches like you! Oh yeah by the way, I WIN! FINAL SCORE 5-1 OX WINS!!!!

In closing, thank you Anonymous for without you this post would not have been made possible. Be proud because you are my close encounter of the stupid kind!



Sincerely,


Ox

What's Wrong With this Picture!?

Ok a while back I talked about how much it pisses me off to see someone cruising in a convertible with the top down and the windows up! I got some comments about that. One of the comments made me feel bad for about 3 seconds. The comment was "Well some people keep the windows up so the wind won't blow their hair around while they're driving." Ok. That one almost got me, UNTIL someone snapped this picture. As you can see the driver has the top down, the windows up, and a hat on his head. Ok, so call me crazy but I think that argument just got blown out of the water! So now, there is absolutely no reason why anyone with a drop top should have the windows up when the top is down! If you're one of the people who keep the windows up and you're reading this, you need to re-evaluate your self-worth. You're ignorant to the concept of a convertible. You're nothing but an oxygen thief and I wish you would stop depriving some village of its local idiot.

Oh yeah I almost forgot, you're also my close encounter of the stupid kind.......again!

All This Fuss Over A Cartoon!?

Out of all the things in the world that should piss people off, I never thought a cartoon would be one of them.

I read and article on Yahoo! News (Cartoon Protesters Direct Anger at U.S. ) about all these Muslims in other countries getting upset and starting riots, over some cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad. From what I understand, Islam forbids any illustrations of the prophet. Ok cool, but let’s take a look at this.

Ok first, I’m willing to bet everything I have (and it’s not much) that the person or persons who drew the cartoon is in no way shape or form a Muslim. Therefore, I don’t think they are obligated to abide by their rules and beliefs. Just because their Muslim doesn’t mean everyone in the world should bend over backwards for them and live by their teachings. If that was the case, then these Muslims should abide by some rules of Christianity. Let’s see, what rule should they live by? Oh, how about the one about having one wife!?!?

Secondly, whoever was behind the cartoon has the right to express their opinion, whatever it may be. From what I understand, the cartoon originated from a newspaper in France and was never shown in any of these countries where the people are pissed off. BUT, because they hear someone on the radio talk about it, they feel the need to get pissed. Here’s an idea, why don’t you get pissed at the fact you live in the middle of nowhere and no matter where you turn you see this lovely color of brown. Get pissed at the fact that when you shower or bathe your dirty within 2 minutes because of all the dust and dirt from the desert. Get pissed at the fact your own people (radical Muslims) are giving you a bad rep!!! Did that ever cross your mind!?

Finally, if we here in America got pissed off and started riots every time some one in one of these countries wrote, said, or drew anything that went against what we stood for, I don’t think there would still be an America. These people, well I should say these RADICAL Muslims, have been doing and saying stuff against America since they day their fathers missed their birth because he was with his 3 other wives trying to make more RADICAL Muslims. We just wanted to be left alone but no, your pussy ass “hero” Osama bin Laden had to rattle this dog’s cage. So what is he doing?!? Hiding in the mountains while the rest of you are getting bad reps. But yet you still continue to help the bastard hide. Here’s an idea, get rid of the bad apples, do something good for once and THEN everyone will change their opinion about you and stop dissing you every chance they get. DUH!

So in conclusion, it makes no sense for the Muslim world to be pissed off about a stupid cartoon! It was just something someone did to get a laugh at the image the bad apples in that particular group have created. We Americans take hits like that all the time and you don’t see us getting all bent out of shape about it! So quit blaming every image problem you have on everyone else when everyone in the world knows who you should blame. So to all the RADICAL Muslims out there, you are my close encounter for today and everyday until you actually do something to help yourselves!

My Cup

Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve updated but I was waiting on an encounter that could top the $9 Water Bill. I THINK I’VE GOT IT!!

Just the other day (well about a week ago) during our lunch break, a couple friends and I went to Subway to grab a bite to eat. We order our food, they made it and we ate it (that’s normally what happens when you go out to eat). After we were done eating, we did what any civilized person does, we threw away our trash. Keep in mind, trash is usually something you don’t want or need anymore.

Well, we get in vehicle and head back to lovely Robeson Community College (note the sarcasm there). About this time, one of my friends looks at me and says “Where’s your cup?”

“I threw it away,” I replied.

Had she just left it at that, I would not be typing this right now. So, THANK YOU FOR NOT STOPPING!!

“Why?!?” she asked me in a tone of “Are you stupid!?”

Thinking for sure she was playing I mocked here in her “why” tone. She kept looking at me like I was crazy. Then finally I had to do it. I had to tell her the truth. I had to tell her why I threw away my cup.

“Why else would people throw something away? Because I didn’t want it anymore.”

As my other friend was dying laughing, I told her she was going to be the next one on my blog. Of course she didn’t believe me. So here’s to you, and you know who you are, my close encounter with stupidity. Enjoy!

The $9 Water Bill

A friend of mine is a waitress at a restaurant. Just yesterday, she met a man who looked like he was in his 50’s or so who was from Philadelphia. He struck up a conversation with her and she learned that he has a house down here in good old Robeson County. So far so good, a lot of people have second homes here in this county. Why? I don’t know but hey it’s their choice.

Well, as the conversation went on this gentleman told her that he routinely makes trips down to Robeson County, once a month to be exact. The reason he said he makes this trip so often was to make a $9 water bill every month! OK, time for an evaluation.

First of all, if you know that every month you’re going to have a water bill in another state, why not mail it, call and use your credit card or something!? Seems to me that would be the logical thing to do. This guy drove about 7-8 hours once a month to pay a $9 water bill!! Call me crazy but I would have either had the water turned off, or just let it go past due and let them turn it off like that. That way, when I would have come back to the house, I would just pay the connect fee, which is probably cheaper than gas back and forth a month, and called it a day!

But in the guy’s defense, he did ask the people at the water place if he could pre-pay this last trip and what a shock, THEY SAID YES!!! How smart do you think he felt about that!?

So this goes out to they guy that drove almost 500 miles one way a month to pay a water bill that was only $9. You my friend do not know the power of a question. All you had to do was ASK! So Mr. I’ll Drive 7 Hours Once A Month To Pay A $9 Water Bill, you are my close encounter with stupidity!

The Gay Marine UPDATE!!!

Remember our story of the gay Marine? Wait till you hear this! Just the other night, Brandon (the gay Marine) and his now EX-girlfriend (Jenn) were uh, messing around I guess would be the best way to put it. Things start going in a certain direction and that direction would be down. Well, she’s doing what she’s doing and he stops her and pulls her head up. He looks at her as serious as can be and says, “That’s not how you give a blowjob. This is how you do it!” He then takes her hand, puts her finger in his mouth and begins to “show” her how to give a blowjob. Let’s break this down a bit shall we?

How many straight guys know how to give a blowjob? NOT ME!!! A straight man only knows when it feels REALLY good. We don’t know exactly what is going on to make it so good, we just know it feels damn good! So please tell me how this one dude who claims he’s straight know how to give a blowjob!? Things that make you say “hmmm?” And I don’t mean the “hmmm” when it feels good if you get what I’m saying.

So Brandon the gay Marine, you win a couple awards today. One, you are the first on my blog to appear two times. Last but not least, you are by far the GAYEST encounter with stupidity I’ve had thus far!

Top Down and the Windows.......Up?!?

Driving down the interstate today I saw something that I just had to write about. I’ve seen it many times this summer but I kept forgetting to write about it, until today. I was going about 80 when I saw something that made me slow down and laugh at these idiots. It was a silver convertible Mercedes. The people in it had the top down, so far so good. The thing that made these people look like idiots was the fact they had their windows up. Let’s examine this with some common sense.

First of all, if you ride around in a convertible with the top down, it’s normally because you want to take in the sun and the wind. So from where I stand, having the windows up won’t keep the sun off you or the wind out of your hair.

Next, let’s say it’s about 85 degrees outside and you wanted to ride around in your convertible with the top down. Seeing that it’s warm you turn on the AC and roll up the windows. Just to let you know, IT’S NOT GONNA HELP ANYTHING!! You still have this big ass hole above your head. I’m not a smart man but I don’t think you’ll be able to feel any of the AC much less trap the cool air inside the car with the top down and windows up!

Ok now getting back to the wind in the hair thing. Let’s say you’re a woman and you just left the beauty salon with a stunning new hair-do. Yeah I can see why you would want to keep the windows up but why the top down!? Do you actually think that that big ass hole over your head will keep the wind from touching your new do?

To sum all this up, people who ride around with the top down and windows up are obviously missing something upstairs. Having the top down defeats the purpose of having the windows up! DUH! Unless someone can tell me a damn good reason of why people insists on doing that stupid shit, they are my close encounter with stupidity for today!

*NOTE: I don’t think those old people liked it when I pulled up beside them and laughed as hard as I could. They looked at me and flipped me off with their old wrinkly fingers!? It was like they were saying “Fuck you All Mighty Observer of Stupidity.” If they only knew what was being said about them now. HAHAHAHA!!!!! *Evil grin*

Fire vs Water?

A few days ago, I was playing Halo 2 on Xbox Live with 2 friends of mine. We were on a pretty good winning streak in Team Snipers. (For everyone who doesn’t know, Team Snipers is a game type in which everyone has sniper rifles. The object of the game is to be the first team to get 50 kills.) We entered this one game where we were the Blue team and of course the other team was the Red team. The game went pretty good for us and we beat them pretty badly. The final score was 50-39. (Click here to see the stats for the game) Well, in the Post Game Lobby, everyone started trash talking. It was like divine intervention when everyone in the lobby got quiet to hear the next comment from Lord Cracker (that’s the guys Gamer Tag for Xbox Live). The following is his exact statement:

“You’re blue and we’re red. You’re water and we’re fire, so who would win in a real fight between fire and water!?”

There was like 3 seconds of silence before everyone said “WATER YOU IDIOT!!!” They guy’s teammates told him that the more he talked the stupider he made himself look. So if anyone who reads this has an Xbox Live account, send a friend request to him and say these exact words to him “On September 26, 2005 you were featured Oxmancometh’s blog because you were his close encounter of the stupid kind, BIATCH!!”

Not Knowing is the worse kind of Stupidity

For this one, I don't even have to go into many details. I got into a conversation with a person on yahoo messenger who's status was something like "All men are born with the same "stupid" gene." So naturally I had to talk to her. I changed her name to Her so she can have peace with her moment.....

Her: i knew ud say somethin
Cliff: ur're sterotyping
Her: how
Cliff: u said ALL men
Her: my aunt said the same thang bout her husband
Cliff: ur judging all men
Her: that he acts stupid
Cliff: and?
Her: its true
Cliff: just because he's stupid don't mean everyone else is stupid
Her: i bet i could get 9 out of 10 women to say that bout their men
Her: or admit that bout their man
Her: THEY HAVE THEIR STUPID MOMENTS
Cliff: well if it's their man.........and he's stupid....but yet they stay with them........they're just as stupid if not more
Her: we all have our moments, but men seem to have more stupid moments than us women
Cliff: if u sleep better at night thinkin that.....i won't argue with u
Her: good
Cliff: i'd hate to crush everything u believe in

Notice how when I said that the woman was just as stupid if not more than the guy if she stays with him she never acknowledged it. Wonder why? Things that make you say "hmmm?" I think I made a valid point. If she only knew how much it sounded like she had this "stupid gene" she was talking about I think she would have just been quiet. So "Her" you are yet another close encounter with stupidity I've had today! CONGRATS!!!!!

A Breeding Pool of Stupidity

What is really going on at Domino's? It's bad enough when I told a manager "I quit" he didn't know what I was talking about. But what happened today topped that!

Today I had the urge to eat some Hot Wings. Me being the lazy person I am, I called Domino's for delivery. The person who answered the phone (a new manager there) takes my order. He got that right which was a real accomplishment I would later learn. I told him that I was paying for my order with my Visa Checkcard. I tell him the number and the expiration date. He then asks for the card holder's name. I say "Clifton C. Oxendine." So then he asks me "Is that spelled C-L-I-F-F-O-R-D?" I paused for a seconds to make sure I heard him right. And I tell him "Uh, no that's Clifford, my name is Clifton." Then he asks me how to spell it! TRYING not to be a smartass I tell him "Drop the FORD and put a TON in its place." His response was "So there's no F in it?" Not wanting to deal with his complete stupidity I spelled it out to him like he was in first grade. I was amazed he even got it then! It's funny, can't spell Clifton but he can spell Oxendine!

I'm glad I quit when I did because God only knows if the stupidity would have rubbed off! If I was that stupid I'd probly hire someone to shoot me to take me out of my misery! So Mr. New Manager at Domino's you're my close encounter with stupidity but don't feel bad cause in about 5 min. I'm gonna post another one so you're not alone!

Thank You Baby Bush!

What a day today has been. Was it not bad enough gas was above $2 a gallon? Today it topped out at $3.79 in some places! Why? All because Baby Bush thought it would be a great idea to: (1) go to Iraq to fight a personal battle which in turn caused the oil industry to become unstable: (2) take more oil out of our market to fill up the Strategic Petroleum Reserve and (3) in a time when we NEED to use that reserve, he only releases a measley 6 million barrels.

I'll never forget that day. The day when I knew we were going to war. I was sitting in the Dining Facility at Ft. Campbell, KY and CNN was on the TV. Baby Bush was talking about taking action against Iraq because of their "weapons of mass destruction" when he said, "How can I not want to kill a man who tried to kill my father?" At that moment, I knew we were going to war for all the wrong reasons. Once the war started, there was a steady increase in gas prices all because the war caused an unstable industry. So around this time we were paying $1.75 because Baby Bush wanted to impress Daddy Bush. THANKS!!!

I'm not sure exactly when our "great" leader had this next "great" idea. He decided that we were not filling up the Oil Reserves fast enough so what does he do? He takes oil out of an already tight market to store in the reserve. Oh I'm SO sorry that 570 million barrels was too low for ya and the 1 million barrels we put in there a day wasn't filling it fast enough for ya Baby Bush. Thanks to you, we were then paying over $2 a gallon. THANKS!!!!

Well now a hurricane has hit the Gulf, taking out refineries we had down there. So now we're loosing alot of oil a day and what does Baby Bush do? HE OPENS UP THE RESERVES!!! But here's the catch, out of the now 700 million barrels we have just sitting there doing nothing, he releases 6 million barrels. What the fuck? What is that suppose to do? Well, I can tell you what it's NOT doing and that's helping the gas prices. NOW we're paying $3.79 a gallon. THANKS!!!!

So Baby Bush, thank you 3 times over because had it not been for these idiotic decisions of yours, I would have nothing to write about to day. Your great leadership is greatly appreciated by myself and comics across America. Without you, I would not have a close encounter of the stupid kind to tell the people who are going broke paying for gas while you're getting rich off your oil company! THANKS FUCKER!!

The Gay Marine

It's been a few days since I've had a close encounter but believe me it was well worth the wait. Our story starts with a Marine who we will call Brandon. Brandon, like many other service members, was deployed to Iraq for and extended period of time (around 7 months). Well Brandon also has a girlfriend who for the sake of argument we will call Jenn. When it was almost time for Brandon to come home, he called Jenn to tell her what his plans were. She asked him one simple question, "Are you ready to come home to see me?" Simple question for the average male. But to the average GAY MARINE, it's VERY complicated. So his reply was "Uh, I dunno."

Let's talk about our story so far. Any straight man who's been deployed for an extened amount of time will NORMALLY be ready to come home and see his woman! Being surrounded by a bunch of guys for a while, you kinda begin to miss female companionship in EVERY way=). This is the FIRST reason why I say this Marine is gay. Let's continue on...

Brandon comes home and his girlfriend is trying to spend time with him. Well, one night Brandon calls Jenn and he wants her to come up to the base and spend time with the other Marine wives while he and the other macho Marines go FLOUNDER GIGGING! For anyone who don't know what gigging consists of, I'll explain it. A gig is a stick with a prong at the end, kinda like a fork. Normally used for FROG gigging. Flounder gigging is basically the same, you go out and try to stick flounders with this gig. Time for another evaluation.....

Why in the world would someone who's been away from his woman for a while, call her and tell her to spend time with the wives of his friends (whom she don't really like) while he goes out on a boat with the same people he saw everyday for like 7 months?!? Let's see, spend time with someone I saw everyday for 7 months OR spend time with my WOMAN! WOW for a STRAIGHT man the choice is simple. Reason #2. Keep reading it gets better.

About a week later another bit of information about Brandon and Jenn's relationship comes out. It appears that this macho Marine does not want to shower with his woman!! According to my source, he calls his shower time "private time." What the fuck!?! A guy who's been showering with a bunch of dudes for a while now, doesn't want a naked woman in the shower with him! What in the world is he doing in the shower for it to be "private time" and keep his girlfriend away??? I've drawn my own conclusions about what he does, and none of them is anything a staight male in America would do. So this would be Reason #3 why I think this macho Marine is flaming like a gasoline soaked tennis ball flying through hell.

No other time has the joke for the Marines been so true than now. MARINE stands for Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential. Well in this case, another phrase fits, FUCKING GAY! So to all the Marines out there who would rather be with their MALE friends after spending months on end with them in a desert country rather than spending time with a woman, YOU are my close encounter with stupidity.

What's Really Going On!?

A few weeks ago, I got a letter in the mail from my bank. They sent me a new check card and explained that the Visa account numbers had been jeopardized by some hackers and that they issuing out new cards and canceling the old ones. I thought this was pretty cool, at least they're looking out for the customers. The letter stated that the old cards would be automatically canceled on Aug. 23 and that the new cards had to be activated by calling the toll-free number provided. Since my old card was gonna be canceled the tomorrow, I decided it was time to activate the new card. I called the number and had it activated. NOTHING was said about my old card and the lady told me that my new card would be ready for use at 9 AM tomorrow morning. No big deal I thought to myself, I still have my old one incase I need access to money between tomorrow morning and now.

Needless to say, I needed money for a late night meal at McDonald's. I went to the ATM machine with my old card in hand ready to get money to eat with. The ATM basically laughed at me when it said that I needed to contact my financial institution. Words cannot describe the PISStility that ran through my body! Why in the world would they cancel my old card when my new one won't work until 9 AM tomorrow!? Can someone please tell my why in the world would a bank leave a customer with no access to their money!? I've already ran this by a few people and they can't eplain it either. So to that bank of mine, you are my SECOND close encounter of the stupid kind today! Congratulations!!

I Quit!

Today, I quit my job. I called up the place that I was working and asked to speak to the manager. The manager that I talked to seemed like he had some common sense whenever I worked with him. I was talking to him and told him "I'm gonna quit." His response to the news was a simple "Quit what?" I paused for a second thinking that it would eventually sink in. After about 3-5 seconds I slowly said "I'm quitting work." It was like I had to break down "I quit" to someone so they could understand it! I was shocked! I mean, what do you do in a situation like that. How do you break down 2 simple words to someone who is suppose to have at LEAST a high school education? Well in this case, it really doesn't matter how much education he has because today he was my close encounter of the stupid kind!

Leave a Message Please!

Recently I've had problems with people calling my cell phone or my home phone and not leaving a message on the answering machine or in the voice mail. That's what I have them for! When I can't get to the phone, I wanna know why you called! If it's important, I WILL CALL BACK! If you call just to say hi, leave a message that says hi!

The thing that really gets me is when people call and listen to the phone fing 4-6 times, listen to the whole asnwering maching/voicemail message and then after they hear the beep.....they hang up! So then I have to go through and delete all those damn hang-ups! Why listen to all that if you know you're just going to hang up after the beep!? It makes absolutely no sense to me. That is why everytime one of those idiots call me and I have to go through and delete like 5 hangup voicemails, I wanna go over to their house and beat them in the face with a blunt object! So to everyone who feels like they're on the spot when they read this, it's people like you that give the rest of us close encounters of the stupid kind!